| i'm in japan and it's fucking amazing.. since i only have 3 min left on this computer (internet costs $1 every 3 min in 5 star hotels..), i'll dedicate pages about japan when i get to china (where internet is cheap.. haha). the drawback for being in japan is that it's pretty lonely. it's nice to hang out with my parents but it also gives me tons of time to think without the distraction of peers or the media (tv is in japanese.. internet is expensive..). i've decided to give up.. give up the pursuit of something that i've been wanting but cannot have. it hurts a lot, but i'm slowly learning to accept it, especially as i'm developing a clearer mindset being away from the united states and the world that i'm used to. sigh.. <insert cute image for heartbreak> 6 sec left. byye! |
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| i feel horrible - both physically and emotionally. it's
hard to act stable and happy. sigh. ignorance is
bliss. thinking hurts too much.
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| 4 years of college is almost over, but the worst hasn't yet to
come. Recruiting, a season of painful insecurities, unfair
judgments, and faraway rewards, is just beginning.
I feel like there's this huge party organized by OCR, where only the few and
special are invited and where one's qualifications are evaluated and categorized in three options:
"invited!" "not invited" or "alternate." I feel like a little
kid every night when I give in to my compulsive desire to sign on and
judge my worthiness, to see if I'd get picked for that popular
basketball team in PE class, and to die a little bit inside when all my
friends are happily skipping towards the cool team and I'm left
behind.
Say you somehow got an invitation to the next step. That isn't to
say you're any smarter than anyone else, any more hardworking, any
better. It only means that your resume is a little prettier, your
cover letter sounds a tad bit more sincere, that you can sell yourself
a little better. Welcome, on-campus-interviews, where
your four years of hard work, self-worth and intelligence are
scrutinized and deemed worthy (or not) in a 30-min conversation.
Finally, you made it to the last gate. The facade is more
glamorous. You have a slim chance to be worthy to enter the doors
of this hefty institution, be a slave to this steel and glass
monument. You are cross-examined, questioned under heavy
pressure, examined for any sign of weakness, stupidity, laziness.
All your friends who have helped you get to this step in the past four
years suddenly are turned into your foes - you want to be last man
standing with casualities all around you. But you're forgiving of
this greed-feeding organization. After all, you are showered with
fancy dinners and expensive hotels, and given the hopes of succeeding
in this capitalistically whoring society.
We built a maze for ourselves and now we're lost. When are we ever going to find our way out?
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| my newest baby.
so gorgeous
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| had lunch with chris. i thought it was going to be extremely
awkward.. it turned out to be surprisingly comfortable and
enjoyable. we chatted about high school and gossipped about
people. nostalgia.. mostly for the lost carelessness,
innocence, and simpleness of high school. he's changed a
lot. i know i have too. i hope we can be friends again.
water under the bridge.
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